


I Want To Try

by TheSightlessSniper



Series: Recovery [3]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Adult Ciel Phantomhive, Angst, M/M, Out of Character, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Sebastian Might Have A Heart, non-explicit mentions of past rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:27:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8549716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSightlessSniper/pseuds/TheSightlessSniper
Summary: The demon’s hands startled him as they descended onto his waist, his mouth open and head tilted back in silent moaning. ‘My lord…you don’t-‘‘I’m not ready for…I’m not ready for that. But, the idea of doing this-‘ he bumped their pelvises once more, this time whimpering at the sensation himself- ‘I want to try.’‘…ah-as you wish, my lord.’





	

**Author's Note:**

> Explicit, just to be safe. Please read all the warnings in the tags. I really, really don't want to trigger anyone.
> 
> So...the first one was originally an isolated piece...and now I'm up to the third bit, I'm pretty sure that it's going to be at least one more oneshot before it's complete. Maybe two, although I'm not 100% sure.
> 
> But anyway...hold onto your hats. This one is a bumpy one.

Their kisses had yet to become more than kisses.

Draped over Sebastian’s torso, Ciel had initiated that night; soft lips had pressed against the butler’s own smooth ones, waiting for the newly familiar wet touch of a tongue.

They’d only recently begun kissing in this way, bodies tangled together and tongues dancing between their moving mouths, but he’d soon found it to be an addictive experience; Sebastian’s tongue tasted like his favourite sweets and something he couldn’t put his finger on, but it was clear it was intentional; the butler had already admitted that he enjoyed their physical closeness. He wouldn’t put it past the demon to manipulate himself to taste appealing.

That said, he could hardly bring himself to care.

The kisses, nearly a month’s worth of nights of them, had allowed for some pleasant progress. Two nights in succession following the clandestine trysts, with Sebastian required to complete other tasks for their mission, Ciel had been able to sleep peacefully without interruption from nightmarish imagery. Two nights…a far cry from a mere few hours that he had barely managed upon the few times he had tried to sleep by himself in the past few years.

A low moan came from below him, startling him from his musings. He stared down into glowing eyes, aware of the rapid rising and falling of the demon’s chest. ‘Sebastian?’

‘Forgive me, my lord…you are quite good at kissing, and your body was-’ the demon’s half-lidded eyes raked down to their pressed-together bodies- ‘putting pressure somewhere quite pleasantly.’

The feeling he got from the look in the glimmering red burning before him, rather than cold fear, filled him with a tinging longing. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t still scared to some degree, but the fear was barely a wave against the hurricane of other emotions running through him; nervousness, excitement…arousal and desire.

Emboldened by his butler’s lack of composure, Ciel shifted, and rolled his hips purposefully downwards into Sebastian’s.

The demon’s hands startled him as they descended onto his waist, his mouth open and head tilted back in silent moaning. ‘My lord…you don’t-‘

‘I’m not ready for…I’m not ready for _that_. But, the idea of doing this-‘ he bumped their pelvises once more, this time whimpering at the sensation himself- ‘I want to try.’

‘…ah-as you wish, my lord.’

 

Slow, deliberate, and focused.

His biggest concern at that moment was scaring him; Ciel was only just able to sleep alone for a little while without the plague of nightmares. It wouldn’t do to lose composure now and reverse their progress.

He loosened the grip on the young man’s hips, yet still guided his motions. He was a tad clumsy, but he seemed to be getting the hang of it; his master’s stiffened and rather impressive erection was evident under his night shirt, weeping from stimulation and dampening the fabric in an unruly line. Had the aim not been to fell his master’s fears, the young man would have been on his back in an instant, body impaled on his and screaming at the top of his lungs for the mercy of rushed orgasm as he pounded into his pliant, fragile form.

But this was not about haste. They had come so far- Ciel could hold his fiance’s hand without hesitance now…although he had still yet to indulge her desire to share kisses. That thought was oddly pleasing; that his master reserved such intimacy for him, and him alone.

A low cry came from above, jolting him out of his possessive musing, and he snapped his gaze up to see Ciel’s face contorting, eyes screwed up and jaw slack. A mewling fell from his master’s throat, flowing over his rising tongue, as if the slick muscle was in search of something to press up against.

Sebastian could think of more than a few places that he wanted that alluring pink organ to be, but kept the thought to himself, soaking in the glorious view of his master approaching ecstasy.

 

His breathing was coming hard, but it wasn’t in asthmatic attack that time.

Ciel grunted, tilting his lower half for faster and further contact, and found himself thrilled as Sebastian’s hands once again tightened on him. Through the butler’s white cotton gloves, he could feel the tips of those black-painted nails being restrained, prevented from becoming full demonic talons that could pierce his flesh and skewer his organs clean through the holes…an entirely different kind of penetration.

His eyes slid open the slightest crack, and he watched his butler’s eyes seek his. The demon was nearly as undone as he was; the wool of his trousers was dampened from both sides- his own fluids, and his butler’s beneath the surface of the thick layer of wool- and his breath, breath that Ciel had been convinced that he didn’t need, was coming out in hard pants from between gritted teeth. Such hellish power…and yet he had control over the beast contained within that false flesh. The demon beneath him was nearing orgasm because of his actions, and despite still harbouring a touch of fear, he was more thrilled than he was frightened of what Sebastian might do.

The tingling grew into a deep set throbbing. His hips canted closer to Sebastian’s, feeling the creases of his butler’s pelvis below his own. The grinding grew feverish, erratic, crazed, and he could no longer tell whose moans he could hear clearer in the low light of candlelit room- his own, or his butler’s.

The pulsing pleasure, the humid heat, the friction- it was all too much. A few final impassioned thrusts downwards, and his head fell forward…

And a strained groan of the demon’s name sang out of his throat.

 

’Ungh- SEBASTIAN!’

Staring up at him, Sebastian was wide-eyed and enraptured at the sight- his master squirming against him, mouth wide open and gasping in the aftershocks of orgasm, shuddering as one last wave of pleasure rattled him before he collapsed forward onto his chest.

‘My lord?’ he whispered, his own breathing still coming in harsh gasps.

‘Sebastian…Sebastian…’ Ciel panted, lips parted and drooling a little onto his front. The lord’s eyes were no longer focused, the pupils blown wide and lenses glazed over. The damp line up the inside of his white nightshirt was bigger, wetter than before, the fluids leaking past one of the buttons and onto the front of Sebastian’s uniform trousers.

The smell of testosterone, the salty scent of sweat and sex…Sebastian could have gotten off on the memory of that alone later, locked away in the servant’s quarters as the rest of the household slept.

As he thought it, though, something touched to the front of his body.

His eyes quickly snapped down to the area, and he stared slack-jawed at Ciel’s hesitant hand pressed down onto his covered length. Ciel’s clarity seemed to be returning; he still looked dazed, but more coherent as he touched the stiffened area. ‘You didn’t come.’

‘Ah…my lord…no, I didn’t, but I will if you keep-‘ the hand moved up and down above the thick cloth, friction building- ‘ngh, my lord…’

‘C-can I try-‘ Ciel gulped audibly- ‘try…to-‘

‘Yes, my lord.’

 

As soon as Sebastian gave his consent, Ciel froze inside.

He’d brought himself pleasure by hand only once. His dreams, controlled by Sebastian’s careful manipulation, were never of an erotic nature and as a result, he hadn’t so much as had one nocturnal emission. His only experience of pleasuring anyone in this fashion was himself, only once, and it had resulted in an asthmatic attack from the flashbacks.

He was going in blind, and Sebastian knew it.

A hand at his cheek jolted him out of his thoughts, and his head snapped up. ‘I-‘

‘My lord, you don’t have to. You do not have to if you are not ready. Remember, you are not being forced,’ Sebastian soothed, ‘you are safe here with me.’

The demon’s thumb stroked at his lips, sliding across his cheek to wipe away a tear he hadn’t even realised he’d shed until it soaked into the white glove.

Determination swelled within him. He had come this far. It would be foolish to turn back without so much as one attempt. _This could be it…this could make me feel more normal again…_

Forcing back the threatening thoughts, Ciel swallowed to steel his nerves, and looked his butler dead in the eyes. ‘Please, don’t tease if I do something wrong,’ he whispered-

-before pulling the buttons of the demon’s uniform apart and wrapping his shaking hand around the demon’s stiff length.

 

He couldn’t stop the cry that left him.

Sebastian whined at the touch, free hand flying behind his head to grasp tight at Ciel’s pillow. The young man’s hand, unsure and quivering as he experimentally stroked up to the tip, was soft as cashmere and gloriously hot against the sensitive flesh, and he found himself in a quandary as to whether he should show his enjoyment further and lift his hips into the stroking, or whether to let Ciel continue to tease him. The last thing he wanted was to scare him with too forward a display…but his lord’s hand felt just too wonderful to not thrust up into.

Fingers tightening on the pillow, he sank his teeth into his lower lip and let his head fall back onto it, stifling the loud moan that slipped out without his consent. In the corner of his vision, he could see the blurry image of his master looking up at him, concern marring his features.

Sebastian couldn’t leave him thinking the worse.

The hand that had been on the young man’s cheek slid under his chin, beckoning him to bring his face closer to his own. ‘My lord- ahh- do not fret…you are doing splendidly- ngh!’ he choked, the corners of his mouth lilting further into an open-mouthed smile, ‘-you’re wonderful!’

 

Sebastian wasn’t allowed to lie to him.

As the words fell from the butler’s mouth, Ciel’s jaw dropped. Had Sebastian really just said that? ‘This is good?’

‘It’s perfect, my lord. You’re perfect- ah…ah…ah my lord your hand!’ the demon gasped, writhing harder against the bed. Sebastian’s hand left his chin to clutch at the sheets, the sound of tearing fabric filling his ears as lengthened claws skewered out of the fingertips of the gloves and into the pale blue fabric of his bedcovers.

 _Perfect._ Sebastian had called him perfect.  
That was a lie.

He was tainted. Filthy. A slut. Fit for nothing but to be the one-time-whore of a demon hunter.

Ciel shuddered, backing away from his butler’s outstretched form as if the demon’s flesh had scalded him. His spine slammed against the post of the bed in his haste, and the hand that had been around Sebastian’s length, still smeared with the demon’s sexual fluids, fisted into the front of his nightshirt over his abdomen to claw at the sensitive flesh beneath. Curled in on himself, Ciel shuddered in terror.

Where Sebastian had been lying, all he could see was _him_.

 

At Ciel’s ragged cry, Sebastian snapped upright.

His master quaked at the end of the bed, breath coming hard and fast and hot tears pouring down his cheeks. The shame and disgust radiated of the young man in overwhelming waves, and Sebastian nearly recoiled as they only grew stronger as the seconds ticked past.

Ignoring the throbbing ache of denied orgasm, Sebastian buttoned his trousers back up and willed away the demonic features that had sprung free. The talons retracted back into his blackened nails, the sharpened fangs shrinking back into a mimic of human canines. When he was covered, disguise readjusted, he slowly outstretched a hand to Ciel.

Even a few feet away was still too close, the young man shrank in on himself further, clawing at his arms and stomach and legs through his nightwear and sobbing uncontrollably.

Despair filled him. His master, handsome and beautiful by any standards, looked as pale and sickly as he had as an adolescent. Hunched over, quivering and whimpering and shying away from even the notion of touch, Ciel looked barely more than the boy he had been when Sebastian had first lulled him into a painless dream after the attack.

Was all of their progress undone?

Defeatedly, Sebastian’s arm fell to his side. ‘My lord-’

‘NO! NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! NOT AGAIN!’ The young man shrieked back, and this time when he scratched up his pale thighs, his nails drew blood. Thin streaks split through the faint scarring left from that awful night, startling amaranthine seeping out of them in uneven parallel lines.

Sebastian put his foot down.

 

Ciel screamed harder as hands covered by shredded gloves grasped his wrists and pulled them away from his legs.

 _He_ was in front of him, back for seconds. The foul odour of his unbathed body. The fetid stench of cavity-pierced molars and slimy smoky tongue. Coarse hands covered in callouses and with filth from god only knows when packed under jagged nails. He was there for him again. He was going to take his body again and this time he would finish the job…fill him with his rotten seed as if he were a maiden to be made with child-

Or a whore to be thrown around between many.

 _uncleanimpureworthlesswhore_ -

‘My lord.’ The voice wasn’t right…it didn’t fit _his_ face.

‘My lord.’ No. That voice didn’t go with _him_.

‘…young master.’ He blinked, and his cries died off in an instant.

Sebastian’s face stared back at him in the candlelight, as stunning as ever even with a bloody gash striped up one cheek- had he done that? 

He swallowed. ‘Sebastian?’

‘I’m here, young master. There is no-one here but us. You’re in your bedroom. You’re safe. I’ve got you. I’ll protect you…’

That gentle earnestness. The silky voice like the white shadow of smoke dancing from the wick of an extinguished candle. The glowing, feline stare that should have kept him awake at night, but only served to remind him of exactly how a cat looked at those it held the deepest affection for. This was not _him_. This was Sebastian.

Sebastian wasn’t allowed to lie to him.

 

At four o’clock in the morning, Sebastian drew a bath.

Ciel had finally stopped shaking, his breathing steadier, but he was still covered in the result of their activities of the night, and the demon imagined that upon waking, his master wouldn’t take kindly to being so filthy. In any case, should the Midfords stop by unannounced, it wouldn’t do for him to be seen in that state.

He took every care to make him comfortable, as he had the night Grell had carried him back to the manor; every motion accompanied by a question, and consent given before he made to act. The same lavender oil he had heated and massaged his master with so regularly now was warmed between his hands with demonic magic and smothered onto the young man’s back for the same purpose while he was still partially submerged.

The gentle massage, in tandem with exhaustion, finally took effect; Sebastian soon found himself lifting Ciel’s resting form from the cooling water, the image of the drowned Ophelia in the river where his torso had sunk down, arms raised and hooked over the tub’s edge. Lips parted in sleep, it was as if he had sung his final song and wanted to let the lavender-scented river of the bathwater take him.

Ciel didn’t stir even as he was engulfed in towels, or when he was carefully dressed in a fresh nightshirt. With everyone still fast asleep and an hour before he would have to wake the rest of the household to begin the day’s tasks, Sebastian saw fit to use his demonic powers for once and whisk the sweat-dirtied sheets away in an instant, replacing them with a new set; royal blue leaves intricately stitched onto a canvas of black cotton. If Mey-Rin asked why the sheets were different the next day, it wouldn’t be difficult to convince her that she had been mistaken.

As he laid his master back onto his clean bed, he thought of lying next to him, pulling him into a nightly embrace as they had done for so long. But with the memories so fresh and turbulent in his master’s mind, he thought better of it and settled for the next best thing; a chair pulled up to his bedside. Sinking onto the velvet fabric seat, he hooked the tips of his fingers, adorned once more with pristine white gloves, underneath those of his master.

Nightmares wouldn’t come for Ciel that night. He would make sure of that.

The sorrowful tears bleeding black down his face, though- tears he hadn’t thought he could shed -they were swift to chase the demon down.

**Author's Note:**

> How much does everyone hate me right now? Be honest, please.


End file.
